Terror Attack Thwarted!

An unsolicited box arrived at church earlier this week. Suspiciously, it was labeled as from “The Lutheran Church–Missouri Synod.” “What could it be?” I wondered. My supply of tie-dye colored “Ablaze!” wristbands is getting a bit low – perhaps these were additional rations for our mission outpost?

“Maybe it’s a bomb,” said my capable and wise assistant, who always has my back. “Those who kill you will think they are doing God service,” and with the kind of week I’ve had, it certainly seemed that caution was in order.

But then, in a fit of recklessness, I withdrew the Swiss Army knife from my trousers and plunged it through the heart of that cardboard omen of death.

“What the …?” I muttered. It’s a coffee mug. “Cafe Sola,” it says. Along with a package of rainforest-protecting, organic, third-world coffee for those with mission eyes. “Well, at least it won’t kill me,” I thought, “although it won’t help the ulcers that have been developing this year.”

The next morning I was even more bleary-eyed than usual. Since it wasn’t free-coffee Wednesday at Starbucks, I thought that maybe it was time to give the swag from Synod the French Press treatment. Despite my near-somnambulatory condition, I saw it just in time: DECAFFEINATED.

And that’s when I knew it was poisonous Ablaze! Kool-Aid. It is rumored that there are 7,000 righteous in the Synod, and one of those kind souls under deep cover in the Synodical Office Building must have surreptitiously placed this label on my “coffee” as a warning. Obviously, no serious Lutheran pastor would drink decaf. Thank you, my brave, anonymous friend! I am safe, and carrying on the lonely fight here, armed with my Byzantine Textform Greek New Testament, a big green Triglot, and the sweet-smelling aroma of real coffee.

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